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Subase Pearl Harbor Det 716 

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A rule to remember aboard a submarine

A U.S. Senator boarded the submarine and said to a seaman "I have never been aboard a submarine before. Is there anything special I should do or not do?"

The seaman thought for a few seconds and then said "There is one thing to remember.  Always count the number of times you dive and count the number of times you surface and add these two numbers together.  If the sum is an uneven number, never open the hatch."

USMC v USN 

An old Navy Chief and an old Marine Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. I did 30 years in the Corps,' the Marine declared proudly, and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General Macarthur. We pushed the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire by day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our gun s were empty, and then we charge the enemy with bayonets'. 'Ah', said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand. 'Lucky bastard, all shore duty, huh?  

A Wise Old Chief 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in their body. The officer volunteering for retirement got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Petty Officer who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Corps Officer. The doctor arrived and instructed the Chief to 'Drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed. 'Where Are your testicles?' The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam...'  

New Seaman on board

 

The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to get over here. 'What is your name?' was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy. 'John,' the new guy replied. The Chief scowled, 'Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear'? 'Aye, aye, Chief!' 'Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?' The new guy sighed and said, ‘Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief!' 'Okay................John, here's what I want you to do...' 

Talking USMC Dog

 

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.’ You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Beagle replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.' In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's such a bullsh*tter... He never did any of that sh*t. ...He was in the Navy!' 

God sent me! 

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!! A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me." 

You could have heard a pin drop 

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.' You could have heard a pin drop. 

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' You could have heard a pin drop.  

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.' You could have heard a pin drop. 

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country. I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." You could have heard a pin drop.  

10 Cents a Drink 

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in The Villages, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old Bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men asks for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced Martinis -- shaken, not stirred -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please" The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?" "I'm a retired U.S. Coast Guard Chief," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million dollars and I decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same." "Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired Navy Chiefs. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price." 

The Young and Daring vs. the Old and Wise

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that. The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee and took a leak'. 

The moral of this: 

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing! When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing! Old folks understand this one. 

No sex since 1955 

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'  

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'  

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?' '1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean no sex since 1955!'  

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'r relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'  

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.' 

(Gotta love military time) 

Wal-Mart Greeter 

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their ‘Older Person Friendly' policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but our being late so often is quite bothersome." 

'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on It." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They'd stand at attention and say, ‘Good morning, General. Coffee this morning, sir?" 

Bananas and Milk Duds 

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in an F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to 'Milk Duds', your sense of humor is seriously broken.  

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity... Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do. Do Not Go!!! I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it... I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions, ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, 'We have liftoff'. Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomery. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. 'Bananas,' he said. 'For the potassium?' I asked. 'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.' The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Lead foot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it. A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up in minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.  

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomery... And I egressed the bananas. And I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down. I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit. What is it? I asked. 'Two Bags.' 

Gourmet MRE Dinner 

This is absolutely hilarious. For those of us who have eaten these things we can definitely understand how she felt----- For all of you who know what an MRE is... And those that don't this is too funny and true not to read. MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the point of view of a young marine. I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has definitely, definitely had never eaten before. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal. Here's what I made: I took three of the ham slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the pork chops, three packets of chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the ham slices and pork chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE with cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right? For dessert, I took four MRE pound cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voilaanger pudding. For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of military special vodka (yes, they do make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "electrolytes - 1 each - cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt). I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff is expensive... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "this looks incredible!!!" We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah... Its chocolate mousse. Took me hours to make... Yup! Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener air freshener, 1 each, orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is wrong with me?" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, lots more air freshener. Back to the couch she smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she rocketed up and flew to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am Soooooo sorry. I have No idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was personally present and supervising. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night. 

First Class  

In the Blue Ridge Mountains, there was a retired submarine sailor who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "First Class". 

Three Admirals went-up into the mountains and wanted to rent him. The old sailor said, "Good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed and three days later came back with their limit. 

The next year they came back. "First Class got better, gonna cost you $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with their limit. 

The third year they came back and told the old sailor they had to have First Class even if it cost $100.00 a day.  

"You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." 

"But, we don't understand, what happened to him?" 

"Well a bunch of guys from the Subase Pearl came up and rented him.  

One idiot kept calling him "Chief," and he's just been sitting on his ass barkin' ever since." 

Great sea story.... 

The Navy used to require officers to foot their total moving expenses out of pocket and file for reimbursement at their new duty station and they might be reimbursed several months later. In August of 1870, LCDR J. P. Fyffe had orders to be CO of a frigate out of San Francisco. His current duty station was in New London, Connecticut. He did not think it right that his moving expenses should be out of pocket. The following is what happened. LCDR Fyffe sent a message to the Secretary of the Navy requesting that the Navy either lay out the money or supply him with railroad tickets or transportation via naval vessel. The reply came from the Chief of Bureau of Navigation: To: Lieutenant Commander J. P. Fyffe In reply to your letter of the 18th: Your request is contrary to Navy regulations. Carry out your orders. The orders also stated: While carrying out these orders, you will keep the Bureau informed of your whereabouts. (There was nothing which stated when he was supposed to arrive in San Francisco or by what means.) LCDR Fyffe donned his best uniform and strapped his sword to his small travel kit. At sunrise on the 25th of August, he walked out of New London and headed westward for San Francisco. By sundown he reached East Haddam where he sent the following telegram to the Chief: 25 August - Compliance orders number 1998. LCDR Fyffe en route New London to San Francisco on foot. This telegram to keep Bureau informed my whereabouts. Made good 22 miles this date. Spending evening in hayloft in Mount Parnassus. Very respectfully, Fyffe. Every evening for the next few days he sent a telegram. 26 August - En route on foot. Made good 31 miles this date. By gracious consent, Mayor of Bristol, am spending night Mayor's stables. Have noticed he has hybrid mules specially bred for tropics. Suggest Navy investigate. 27 August - En route on foot. Made good only 1 1/2 miles this date. Rained all day. Staying overnight at Litchfield with my father's friend, General Holmes. I find standard boot worn by naval officer inadequate for prolonged walking. Suggest Surgeon General investigate. 28 August - Spending night Lakeville. Lovely country. Expect to buy home here as soon as I get reimbursed travel voucher submitted by me to Navy three years ago. Tomorrow I enter New York State. 29 August - En route on foot. Made 28 miles this date despite badly worn boots. People not familiar Navy uniforms this area. Great crowd walked part way with me. I sang them sea chanties. Populace thinks it a great sign of democracy for commanding officer of his ship to walk 3000 miles to new station. Police Chief, Hudson, New York has given me best cell in jail for overnight. 30 August - En route on foot. Arrived Albany. Request Recruiting Officer be authorized issue me new shoes. Boots fell apart noon today. Entered Albany barefooted. Will remain Seward Hotel two days awaiting answer. Earning my keep as bartender. Local rum far superior than served in Navy. Am sending sample. Very respectfully, Fyffe. 31 August - Fyffe received the following message: I strike my colors. Secretary of the Navy authorized Recruiting Officer, Albany issue you boots and provide quickest transportation from Albany to San Francisco. Even Chief of Bureau Navigation can laugh when outsmarted! 

USS Constitution 

The USS Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers). However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the USS Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum... Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each. By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home. The USS Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water. 

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! 

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! 

Bumper Stickers Seen On Military Bases  

Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, War has Never Solved Anything.
U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.
U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah.
Stop Global Whining.
When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine.
Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify.
The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight.
Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back.
Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!
What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil.
Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775.
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It.
Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon.
It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting.
Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl.
One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support.
My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College.
Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume.
A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers.
Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. Members of our Armed Forces don't have that problem. Ronald Reagan
 

Wise Quotes 

If the enemy is in range, so are you." Infantry Journal "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you .... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Screw with it if it Works! - USAF Electronic Technician
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." USAF - Ammo Troop
"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot, SR-71 )
A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude: Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! - USAF Navi-guesser
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case "
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Oh Sh..t!"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation. We never left one up there!"
"Flying the air plane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest air plane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." Heard muttered by Dale Woods!
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "Beats the sh...t outta me, I just got here myself."
 

Real Chiefs - The Backbone of the Navy! 

Real Chiefs: 

    • Think Ensigns should be seen and not heard and never ever be allowed to read
           books on leadership.
    • Don't own civilian clothes. 
    • Have CPO Association Cards from their last five commands. 
    • Don't remember life before they were a Chief. 
    • Wedding Proposal: "There will be a wedding at 1000 hours on 29 October; be
           there in whites with your gear packed because you will be a prime participant."
    • Favorite national holiday is CPO Initiation. 
    • Believe that in the Navy every day is a holiday, every meal is a feast, every 
           payday is a lottery and every muster is a family reunion.
    • Favorite breakfast is shipboard SOS. 
    • Don't know how to tell civilian time. 
    • Call each other "Chief." 
    • Greatest fear is signing for property book items. 
    • Dream in Navy Blue, White, Haze Gray and occasionally khaki. 
    • Have served on ships that are now war memorials or tourist attractions. 
    • Get tears in their eyes when the "Chief" dies in the movie "Operation Pacific." 
    • Don't like "Certified Navy Twill" (CNT's). " Wash khaki" is the ONLY thing out of 
           which to make a uniform.
    • Can find their way to the CPO Club while blindfolded on fifteen different Navy
           bases.
    • Have pictures of past ships in their wallets. 
    • Only own ink pens that have "Property U.S. Government" printed on them. 
    • Never volunteer to get mandatory flu shots. 
    • Have a permanent curl in their forefinger. 
    • Don't order supplies, they swap for them. 
    • Favorite quote is from the movie Ben Hur, "We keep you alive to serve this ship." 
    • Think excessive modesty is their only fault. 
    • Hate to write evaluations, except for their own. 
    • Turn in a four page brag sheet for their evaluation. 
    • Always say their last ship was their best ship. 
    • Know that the black tar in their coffee cup makes the coffee taste better.
    • Are proudest when one of their former strikers makes Chief.
    • Idea of heaven: Three good PO1's and a Division Officer who does what he is
           told.
    • Think John Wayne would have made a good Chief if he had not gone soft and
           made Marine movies.
    • Use the term "Good Training" to describe any unpleasant task. Scraping the  
           parking lot sides of the ship is "Good Training." Having to sleep on your sea 
           bag in the because there was no room in the barracks is "Good Training."
    • Teach their children that the highest attainment in life should be in becoming a
           Chief.
    • Can never fathom why a Chief would even consider accepting a commission.
    • Think "Crepes and Quiche" are a gay Hollywood couple.
    • Rather hitchhike than own an imported automobile, truck or motorcycle.
    • Keep four sets of dress khaki uniforms in the closet in hopes they will come
           back.
    • Love their mothers mainly because she has a son or daughter in the Navy.
    • Believe that the only thing to make life more complete is if he/she had been
           born in a naval hospital.
    • Are always right and they know it. In the impossible hypothesis that a
           subordinate may be right, the former still applies.
    • Do not regard an officer's rank and title as the measure of his or her
           competence.
    • Are the only people who can make the salutation "Ensign" sound like a four letter
           word.
    • Are always "The Chief" - even in shower shoes and a towel.
    • Will tell you that they are always a part of the answer, never the problem.
    • Will always say, "Let me do it for you, Sir," and then promptly assign someone to
           do it.
    • Don't sleep; they rest.
    • Are never late; they are detained elsewhere.
    • Never leave work; their presence is required elsewhere.
    • Never eat sliders at mid rats.
    • Don't eat quiche, and they can't pronounce it or spell it.
    • Never read the newspaper in the mess; they study current events.
    • Play cut-throat Hearts, not Poker; and never, ever Bridge.
    • Never play a sport where the ball doesn't come back by itself (bowling - yes, golf -
           no, tennis - never).
    • Call their spouses WIFELANT or WIFEPAC, or CINCHOUSE or CINCFAM.
    • Are at sea when their kids are born. ["You have to be there to lay the keel but not
           to launch them."]
    • Always say, "Morning," never "Good morning," except when they are getting
           ready to get underway
    • Never eat off of the ship. They know the best food is in the Chiefs' Mess.
    • Are hated by Supply Officers who have to take inventory after the Real Chief pays
           a social call.
    • Don't write in cursive, except for their paycheck signatures.
    • Think that the easiest day at sea is tougher than the worst day on shore duty.
    • Don't make coffee.
    • Know that you can never, ever, at any time, at any location, sea or shore, or  
           under any circumstances, be allowed to run out of coffee.
    • Never wash out their coffee cups, rinse maybe, but never wash it.
    • Have a coffee pot next to their desks with an intravenous tube running into their
           arms.
    • Have a Goat Locker.
    • Never vacation; every day on the ship is a vacation.
    • Think that "sensitivity" is a control knob on a radar or sonar console and that's all
           it is.
    • Have the heart of a little boy ... kept in a jar on the desk.
    • Think that remote control is a PO1 on the other end of a walkie-talkie.
    • Know that you don't need a computer to sail a ship, especially when the power is
           out.
    • Think that a seven-course meal on liberty is a baked potato and a six-pack of
           beer.
    • Never go on liberty with their juniors; they conduct training sessions.
    • Never have wine on liberty; it better be brewed and it better be cold.
    • Can name at least fifteen bars in Hong Kong, but know that the best bars are
           across the bay in Kowloon .
    • Have tattoos; otherwise, how would they remember what a great time they had on
           liberty?
    • Can communicate with each other using farts.
    • Have mastered the use of the silent, but deadly, fart and they are not afraid to  
           use it, especially around watch stations.
    • Have a "Zippo" that has been everywhere and still works.
    • Have tattoos on their forearms that would force them to keep their cuffs buttoned 
           at a church picnic.
    • Take eighteen year-old idiots and hammer them into Sailors.
    • Know that the term "All hands" means "All hands."
    • Don't have to command respect; they get it because there is nothing else that you
           can give them.
    • Are expert at choosing descriptive adjectives and nouns, none of which their
           mothers would endorse.
    • Have rows of hard-earned, worn, and faded ribbons, but know that ribbons don't
           make you a Sailor.
    • Are matured like good whisky in steel hulls over many years.
    • Aren't the kind of guys you thank; monkeys in zoos don't spend a lot of time  
           thanking the guy who makes them do tricks for peanuts.
    • Are the standard by which you measure all others.
    • Were educated at the other end of an anchor chain from Copenhagen to
           Singapore .
    • Never excuse being late, not helping a shipmate, or running out of coffee.
    • Never spill a drink.
    • Never drink and drive because you might hit a bump and spill a drink.
    • Never go to sick call.
    • Have to go out and bring everyone back.
    • Know that you never wrestle with a pig because you both get dirty, and the pig
           likes it.
    • Never argue with an idiot because people watching may not be able to tell the
           difference. 
    • Observe everything, but admire nothing.
    • Know that they will always get what they in-spect, not what they ex-pect.
    • Agreed with John Wayne when he said, "Life is tough! But it's tougher when
           you're stupid!"
    • Know that no sailor is completely worthless, because worst case, they serve as
           a good bad example.
    • Know that there's no help program like a self-help program.
    • Will tell you that, "If you are going to do something stupid, at least be smart
           about it."
    • Can write up anyone they want.
    • Are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don't give a crap, but on the 
           other hand, REAL CHIEFS are very careful and precise.
    • Can find the best bar in any port by dead reckoning.
    • Paint their houses Navy Grey with their addresses taken from their favorite hull
           number.
    • Have a red and green buoy at the end of their driveways.
    • Eat lightning and crap thunder.
    • Consider a hurricane to be good sea trials.
    • Are the Navy.
    • Think that Ensigns, like diapers, should be changed often and for the same
           reason.
    • Know that once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it
           worse.
    • Assume nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood and they act
           accordingly.
    • Have only one rule on liberty: Yield to temptation; it may never pass your way
           again.
    • Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
    • Never take the advice of someone who has not had their kind of trouble.
    • Know that if it is stupid but works, it is not stupid.
    • Will tell you that you can survive on charm for about 5 minutes, after that, you'd
           better know something.
    • Know that assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
    • Never assume, they get the facts.
    • Do not confuse efforts with results.
    • Will give you three choices in any situation; change, accept, or leave the Navy.
    • Think "Hail to the Chief" was originally intended for CPOs

 

 

Subject: Military placement test

One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for a
Military Commission was important.

It went:
"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to
spell out an important part of human
body that is more useful when erect."

All those who spelled SPINE became
Doctors, the rest went to Flight School.

 

What Time Is It

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"


The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

 

Your Jeep Stuck?

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

 

Pompous Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

 

Change For A Dollar

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

 

Fighter Pilot

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

 

The Smell Of A Whorehouse

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

 

Standing In Line

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

 

Once A Sailor

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Submarine Sailor on a flight to Norfolk.

After the plane took off, the Sailor asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The Sailor then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice." 

 

Missing An Ear

 

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4  Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to  the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only  permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and  eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always  sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine  Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.  At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything  different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice  that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this  impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his  office.

The next candidate, a Marine Sergeant Major when asked this same question,  answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Submarine Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the others put together. The  Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you  notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes Sir. You wear  contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful  sailor. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Submarine Master Chief replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear  glasses with only one fuckin' ear."

 

One Tough Marine

 

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline that year.

 

 The Five Most Dangerous Things In The US Navy

A Seaman saying "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying "Trust me, sir..."
An Ensign saying "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

 

Now They Tell Me

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Chief was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible. The Chief pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Chief sadly shook his head, and in true US Navy fashion exclaimed, "And all these years I've been chewing gum!"

 

Naval Officers and Navy Chiefs

A group of Chiefs and a group of Naval Officers take a train to a conference. Each Naval Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Chiefs has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Naval Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Chiefs will finally get what they deserve. Suddenly one of the Chiefs calls out: "The conductor is coming!". At once, all the Chiefs jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Naval Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please!" One of the Chiefs slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round. For the return trip the Naval Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Chiefs didn't buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Chiefs announces again: "The conductor is coming!" Immediately all the Naval Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in. All the Chiefs leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Chief enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Naval Officers and says: "Ticket, please!"

Moral of the story? -- Officers like to use the methods of the Chiefs, but they don't really understand them.

 

Route To Becoming An Admirsl

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, " Admiral , United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tightlipped smile, “ Admiral , United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims: “ Master Chief Petty Officer , United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."

 

Old Salt

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"

The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there's no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."

"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. “No Chief has ever made it into Heaven – you’ll find none of 'em here."

So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm.

Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"
"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."

 

A Wise Old Master Chief Once Said

A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well," replied the Master Chief, " the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition.
First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.
Does that answer your question?"
"Yes Master Chief" replied the young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"
"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

 

Seamanship Test

One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship.
"Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?" "Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."
"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?" "Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"

 

Master Chief and 3 Lieutenants

One day, a Master Chief went to the Officer's Club with his Captain to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them if they could join them. They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Master Chief mentioned he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Master Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Master Chief then told the Lt on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Master Chief said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.

The Lieutenant across the table from the Master Chief asked if he had determined his source of commission. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy . The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy . The Master Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

 

 

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